Losing someone you love (my Mom) and the healing process

If you've ever had someone close to you die, it is a pain so intense that sometimes you don't know how you will be able to move on.

I lost my mother to cancer on March 20, 2009 (my birthday). She battled Endometroidal Cancer for almost 6 years. She took a turn for the worst around Thanksgiving 2008 and only went downhill from there. The last 3 weeks of her life, I spent beside her as she laid in a hospital bed in my parent's livingroom. She was under Hospice care and I spent everyday trying to get her to eat and keeping her clean. I knew the inevitable was coming and wasn't going to be around much longer. I tried to think of everything I wanted to say and do before she was gone. We had long talks and even apologized and forgave one another for any hurt from the past. I truly felt that the day she took her last breath, there were no regrets. I have since then found a couple that I wish I could turn back the hands of time and complete.

First, I miss her voice. No matter what the topic or state of mind I was in, calling my Mom and talking to her somehow made everything better. She didn't even have to say much. If I had thought about it sooner, I would have recorded her voice, asking her "Mom, what am I going to do when you aren't here anymore....?" and let her respond. That way when I am upset or feeling like I need to talk with my Mom, I could play what I recorded over and over.

Another thing I wish I had thought of sooner if learning more about her life and family history. My Dad and I have been going through her things and have learned more about her we didn't know. She couldn't make it to church the last few months of her life and often times complained my Dad was spending too much time at the church. Well to the surprise of my Dad and I, she was doing her own bible study and in quite detail I might add. During her service, the Rector, father John, mentioned how he and his wife spent some time with my mother while she was in the hospital. He asked her what her favorite hymn was and he said "without missing a beat she replied Psalm 119, thy Word". My Dad and I sat in the pew with amazement as this was a side of my mother we didn't know.

I found a book called "A father's legacy" and I am giving it to my Dad for Father's Day. It is about 192 pages and he fills it in. It starts with basic information and then goes further in to his childhood on up through the years. To me, it is priceless information that can't be found once he is no longer with us. I wish I would have thought about that when my mother was still alive. There is so much I obviously didn't know about her and unfortunately it's too late to find out.

I am still healing and probably will be for a long time. My grandma (maternal grandmother) passed away in January 2009. I have taken quite a blow so close to together in family deaths this year.

I know there are normal processes in healing and grieving but don't know what they are. It is normal to cry, be angry, get depressed, etc. I just wonder when I feel those things, if it is related to grieving even if I am not thinking about the loss? I am an otherwise happy person and happy with my life. I worry about my Dad and wished we lived closer. I know he has been having a hard time dealing with my Mom's passing and I don't like him being alone. He has 2 large dogs to keep him company, and occupied.